I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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