So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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