if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i out mim tonsoeep
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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