how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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