I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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