It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
