On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
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We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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