Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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