I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize