You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
