well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
