I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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