I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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