Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
