i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
