My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Everclear isn't food dammit
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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