It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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