Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
