If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
