I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Success! We fucked roommates!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
