There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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