i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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