When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
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he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
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The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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