I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
