i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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