FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
