I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
