Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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