So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
