Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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