the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
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