just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
