Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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