I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
