We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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