3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
