Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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