No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just cropdusted the office
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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