Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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