I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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