To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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