My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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