cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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