I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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