I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Randomize
