my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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