end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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