I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
