I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
