Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
