I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I wish there were birth control emojis
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
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