so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
