I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
