I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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