did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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